Ways we deceive ourselves and how we can find the truth
“Above all, don’t lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.”
Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Brothers Karamazov
Cognitive distortions are ways we deceive ourselves. These lies, that we tell ourselves and believe, cause all sorts of suffering and pain. With practice, though, we can catch them and correct them. We can develop an honest, undistorted way of seeing the world.
When we see a situation with unclouded eyes, our beliefs about it change, and when our beliefs change, our feelings change.
For example, if I have $5 and I believe I need $10 to be prepared, then I feel unprepared. If I have $5 and I believe I only need $1 to be prepared, then I feel prepared. I have the same amount either way, but my feelings differ because my beliefs differ.
In all truths, there is beauty and goodness, so when we get to the truth, we increase our sense of peace and joy.
Here are nine common cognitive distortion and how to correct each of them.
All-or-nothing thinking is viewing things as though there were only two possible categories. Quite often, this thought pattern does not reflect reality, therefore it is a distortion.
An example of all-or-nothing thinking: “I had a headache and it ruined my whole day.”
To combat this type of lie, we can reflect on the grey areas and complexities in the situation or object.
“I had a headache. It hurt, but I laughed when grandma farted, and I got some grocery shopping done.”
Overgeneralizing is viewing a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.
An example of overgeneralizing: “I always get the slowest line in the grocery store.”
To combat this type of lie, we can think of a specific and concrete exception to the generalization.
“I got the slowest line at the grocery store today, but I did get a fast one at Ralph’s last Saturday.”
Mental filtering is viewing the negative aspects of a situation while ignoring or filtering out the positive aspects of it.
An example of mental filtering: “He said he doesn’t like my haircut.”
To combat this type of lie, we can think about the parts of the situation that we are filtering out.
“He said he doesn’t like my haircut, but that I am beautiful even with a bad haircut.”
Mind reading is assuming you know what someone is thinking or feeling.
An example of mind reading: “She hasn’t texted back. She must be mad at me.”
To combat this type of lie, think of alternative possibilities and/or communicate with the person.
“She hasn’t texted back. Maybe she is busy with work. Maybe she dropped her phone in the toilet. Maybe she is driving.”
Or communicate: “hey, I thought I would have heard back from you by now. Is everything okay?”
Fortune telling is predicting that things will turn out in a negative way and you won’t be able to cope with the outcome.
An example of fortune telling: “I am going to trip on stage or something. I just know it. Everybody will be embarrassed for me. It’ll be so awkward.”
To combat this type of lie, consider the likelihood of your prediction, and then plan for the worst case scenario.
“I have practiced a ton, so I am less likely to make a mistake. If I do make a mistake, the very worst case is that I will be fired and then not be able to find another job and lose my apartment and end up homeless and have to start from scratch. If that happens, I will start by spending two hours at the library each day applying for jobs.”
Magnifying or minimizing is overvaluing or undervaluing the importance of a situation or fact.
“This is the fifth time I’ve been rejected. It’s shameful to have been rejected so many times.”
To combat this type of lie, look at the situation or fact from different perspectives. How will it look in a month, in a year, on your deathbed?
“In a month, I might be rejected three more times, and then five won’t seem nearly as shameful. In a year, I might actually be accepted by someone, especially if I can get these cognitive distortions under control, and then the rejections won’t matter so much. On my deathbed, I’ll be glad I at least tried, and surely I’ll have some successes to look back on, and I’ll have nurses who care for me all day long, and soon I will be even closer to God, who loves his children.”
Emotional reasoning is assuming that how you feel is an accurate reflection of how things are.
An example of emotional reasoning: “I feel anxious. That must mean something bad is going to happen.”
To combat this type of lie, realize that emotions are influenced by beliefs. Our unique perspectives in regards to the facts shape our beliefs about the facts, and our beliefs shape our emotions.
“I feel anxious, but it’s not necessarily because something bad is going to happen. It is because I believe something bad is going to happen. Why do I believe that? What are the facts about the situation?”
Shoulds, musts, and have-tos are the beliefs that things should or shouldn’t, must or mustn’t, have to or can’t, be a certain way without any evidence to support those claims.
An examples of shoulds, musts, and have-tos: “I should start working on this project now.”
To combat this type of lie, consider the reasoning, the why, behind the “should,” “must,” or “have to.”
“If I start working on this project now, I will be less stressed as the deadline approaches.”
Labeling is applying labels or stereotypes to situations, to yourself, or to others.
An example of labeling: “I’m late for work again. I’m such a loser!”
To combat this type of lie, acknowledge the facts and details instead of simply labelling the situation or person.
“I’m late for work again. I forgot to set my alarm.”
Personalizing is holding yourself accountable for something that isn’t or wasn’t entirely under your control.
An example of personalizing: “She ghosted me because I am an annoying person.”
To combat this lie, define healthy boundaries in your relationships.
“She ghosted me because of her own beliefs, feelings, and perspective about the our relationship. I am not responsible for her choices.”
Please note, this is not an exhaustive list of cognitive distortions. There are many more documented in the psychological and scientific literature. However, these are some of the most common cognitive distortions in our culture. Beginning with these nine cognitive distortions can open your heart to many truths it had not previously known.
If you spend a few minutes every day reviewing the cognitive distortions you commonly falling into, you will grow in your ability to recognize and combat them in the moment. Then you can stop them in their tracks and find greater peace and joy in any situation.